


restless and wild

by ralf



Series: Close to Canon [27]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Aftermath, Character Study, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Lightwood Family Feels, Past Drug Addiction, Platonic Cuddling, ish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-14
Updated: 2020-11-14
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:40:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27558505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ralf/pseuds/ralf
Summary: Jace makes a beeline for Izzy's bed, flopping down on the duvet with a hearty sigh. “I swear those four AM patrols are the worst,” he groans.Izzy quirks her eyebrows at him. He's in sweatpants and a loose tee – a wise choice to change out of his gear before settling on her bed or he'd be in for some serious evisceration – and despite his casual air Jace only swings by at unholy hours instead of faceplanting into the nearest horizontal surface if he wants totalk.[Set sometime shortly after 2x13 (which is when Jace learns about Izzy's yin fen addiction).]
Relationships: Isabelle Lightwood & Jace Wayland
Series: Close to Canon [27]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/936036
Comments: 4
Kudos: 42





	restless and wild

**Author's Note:**

> I was going to title-hunt through the lyrics of Kelly Clarkson's “Addicted” because I'm predictable like that but then I was also half-asleep so I accidentally ended up with a line from Kelly Clarkson's “Hear Me” instead ahahaha.  
> Funfact: I wanted to tag this 'Comfort no Hurt' but then Jace was like 'Oh how you flatter me! But I'm really not dealing that well lol.'
> 
> I advise you to mentally revisit 2x10, or, if you need a memory refresher: Izzy, after some interference from Raphael, receives the message that the Institute is under attack. Despite being half high on yin fen she sweeps in and saves Alec (and Aldertree but who cares) from Circle Members. Meanwhile Simon is held hostage by Valentine to blackmail Clary into swinging by the Institute to activate the Soul Sword. They send Jace disguised with a glamour rune instead and he saves Simon by giving him his blood. He touches the Soul Sword because they believe it will be destroyed by his demon blood but sadly Val tricked them and Jace isn't the son experiment with demon blood so Jace inadvertently activates the Sword himself, resulting in the massacre.

One last wipe of the cotton swab and Izzy's face is finally free of makeup. She exhales and takes a moment to consider her reflection. She looks tired these days, shadows and fatigue hidden under carefully crafted layers of concealer and powder. What used to be a weapon to her, wielded easily and effectively, has now become her shield. A surety that no one will see what she doesn't want to be seen.

Or in some cases, she thinks fondly, a surety to keep her loved ones from overly worrying (though she doubts there's enough makeup in the world to keep Alec from worrying about her).

She smiles at herself. She looks tired, but she looks better. She feels better, every day a little bit. The worst of it all is behind her and she knows she'll never let it go that far again.

There's a knock at her doorframe and Jace pokes his head in through the half open door. When he sees her he lets himself in, making a beeline for her bed and flopping down on the duvet with a hearty sigh. “I swear those four AM patrols are the worst,” he groans.

Izzy quirks her eyebrows at him. He's in sweatpants and a loose tee – a wise choice to change out of his gear before settling on her bed or he'd be in for some serious evisceration – and despite his casual air Jace only swings by at unholy hours instead of faceplanting into the nearest horizontal surface if he wants to _talk_.

Granting him a stay of execution she plays along. For now. “I thought you prefer those because there's 'more action'.” She makes air quotes, then aims at the bin next to the door and gracefully disposes of her used cotton swabs.

Jace whistles which makes Izzy roll her eyes. That was _easy_. Jace must be here for something really heavy if he's buttering her up like this. She gets up from her vanity and sits down next to him, nudging him with her shoulder playfully.

“True,” Jace picks up their thread of conversation. “But have you ever noticed that the Institute's water pressure sucks at night? Makes post-patrol showers so unrewarding.”

Izzy laughs. “You're such a diva, Jace.”

“I have no idea what you mean,” Jace retorts, smoothing a hand over his hair with exaggerated swagger. Izzy elbows him in the side, he retaliates in kind and a short playfight later finds them giggling on the blanket. Early morning hours tend to bring out their silliness.

“So, brother dearest,” Izzy finally says, shoving at Jace's shoulder so he slumps on his back dramatically. “What's on your mind?”

He laughs. “I'll absolutely tell Alec you called me this.”

“Feel free,” Izzy snorts. “But please make sure I'm there to see his unimpressed face.”

“Deal.” Jace lets out a long breath, gaze stuck to the ceiling. Izzy lays on her side next to him, head propped up on her hand, watching him. Giving him time.

He catches her eyes eventually and she can see him bracing himself, gearing up for emotional vulnerability. It's one of those things he has in common with Alec in a contrasting way. Both share that moment of stillness before they open up but where Alec is all steely determination, drawing himself up straighter Jace is slowly uncurling softness, quiet and yielding, a fragile thing.

Izzy remains still where she is, waiting patiently.

“You're amazing,” Jace says.

Izzy blinks, tipping from faintly, anticipatory concerned into bemused. “Thank you,” she replies genuinely but more than a bit puzzled.

Jace shakes his head slightly and bites his lip, his tell that he's rearranging his words to try and get them to explain what he means. “I can... very vaguely imagine what it is like for you,” he says. “I felt the bite, too.”

An icecold shiver chases down Izzy's spine and she feels her defenses shooting up when she realizes that this conversation isn't going to be about Jace, at least not exclusively.

She fights the impulse to withdraw but it's hard, it's _so hard_ to hold Jace's gaze. She can see that he sees her faltering, can see it in the way his eyes flicker but he just lies there, bare and defenseless, and he would let her deflect. His willingness to leave himself open to rejection is what gives her the strength to power through, to let him close and not clam up.

It's irrational, she thinks, when not five minutes ago she was centered and calm about this. But then, this is the reason she's been pushing Alec away from the moment she was no longer bedridden. She's doing better but she's still so raw around the edges, so unsteady on her feet that letting anyone _see_ beyond her armor is harder than even sitting out the withdrawal itself was. She had no choice then but she has one now and it is so tempting to pretend she's already farther recovered than she truly is.

“That night when the Institute was attacked,” Jace continues, his voice raspy, “Simon was dying. I let him bite me to save his life.”

His words conjure memories that are mingled with guilt, with horror when she imagines what could have happened that night if she hadn't gotten there in time. So much was lost and it could have been so much worse. She shudders.

“It was.. there was so much in that moment that it barely registered,” Jace whispers. “But later, after I--” he breaks off, his throat working.

_After I activated the Soul Sword_ , Izzy hears.

“After Valentine attacked the Downworld,” Izzy amends softly.

Jace's eyes shine but he nods. “I found myself craving it. The weightlessness of the rush. The quiet. I remembered feeling that everything was going to be fine and I--” His eyes close but his tears fall anyway. “There was nothing I could do. They all died because of me. I wanted to protect them but I killed them instead.” His voice shakes but he pushes on. “I feel so powerless. So twisted. And I want that silence again so bad.”

The way every trouble seems distant and easy and light, the boundless exhilaration of it all. Izzy feels its absence in every waking moment, in every aching empty space in her body.

Jace takes a deep breath. “And I only felt it once. But you...” His eyes blink open again, bright but steady. “You're so strong, Iz. You resist, every day. I admire you so much.”

Unexpectedly Izzy feels a wave of relief crashing through her, just as a tear slides down her cheek. For the first time she feels like she's not alone in this hopeless gray fog, in this endless battle against the enticement. Jace _understands_ in a way no one else can. He's felt it too. The pull she fights every second of every day like a never-ending sprint where a single stumble will be her downfall. She's become used to it but that doesn't makes it less difficult. The hurdles keep coming and there is no reprieve.

But she's not alone. Jace feels it, too.

Izzy lays down, settling her head on Jace's shoulder. He curls his arm around her and slowly her eyes drift shut.

She wants to tell him that it gets easier but if it does she's not there yet. She can't promise that. But there is something she can promise.

“I'm here,” she says. “We have each other.”

Jace tugs her closer. She can feel him rest his cheek against her hair. “Yeah,” he breathes. “Yeah, we do.”


End file.
